Episode 82

Scene: Outside in the car park of The Skaters Run, Barnham.......
Cast: Yaxley Farcett (Detective Inspector: Drainage Squad) Brian Worthington (Part time Farm labourer and lately aide to Farcett)

 

Yaxley: You don't mind missing a bit of the footie, do you Bri ? I just didn't think we better discuss this in the bog.

Brian: No, you're alright. I've got this anyway (produces tiny radio from inside pocket and tunes it to Radio 5 and the voice of Alan Green begins to bark out the progress of FA Cup Final combatants, Arsenal and Newcastle)....there we go...now, what's all this about me lying to you ??

Yaxley: Well, that first morning we met when you burst into my room at 25B....

Brian: (interrupting) Yeah, I gave you a hell of a shock dint I ? You dint know I'd slept in there the the night before did you ? Good job I'd made the bed otherwise it would have been like Goldilocks- Who's been sleeping in my bed sort of thing.

Yaxley: Yeah, Yeah...You said you were kipping in my room because there's a telly and you have'nt got one.

Brian: Thas' right. I had one until a month ago and I realised that I was becoming an addict.. watched it from morning till night when I hadn't got any land work to do. So one day I thought 'bugger it', I'm not letting this box get the better of me. I were getting fat and lazy so I chucked the bloody thing in a skip up the road. Trouble is I missed it after a week and  could'nt afford a new one, so I asked Su if I could use your room. She forgot to tell me you were arriving yesterday morning.

Yaxley: Hmmm..that's how I remember it. Thing is, Su said you went out yesterday morning. In fact she said you go out every morning...causes her a lot of aggro because you don't clean your feet properly.

Brian: (defensively) ...and what made her say that then ? You been snooping about behind my back Yaxley ? I thought we were mates...bloody hell, I've been carting around with you since yesterday trying to help you find out who killed Reg. I've been more help than bloody Stumpy.

Yaxley: (firmly but fairly) You haven't answered my question.

Brian: Dint sound like a bloody question to me...sounded like you were about to tell me where I'd been. No, dint sound like a question at all....no sign of any upward questioning inflection there...at...bloody...all !!

Yaxley: C'mon Bri ! You know the score.....

Brian: (interrupting angrily and slapping his radio) No, No I bloody don't actually cos I'm standing out here talking to you while the football's on in there !! (pointing to the pub) ..and while we're chissercatting I can't even hear the sodding radio ! So, what do you reckon eh ? I killed Reg did I?

Yaxley: Don't over-react Brian...Anyway, it's half time and a lousy match and you know it. All I want to know is why you said you were in my room at eight o'clock when you were out...just tell me and I'll buy you a pint and we can watch the second half.

Brian: (softening) Well...there's nothing suspicious about it. You remember I said I go to the Cathedral whan I'm feeling a bit low...to have a think.

Yaxley: (nodding) Yeah, course I remember. I agreed with you didn't I ? I'm not religious, but they serve a purpose when people most need them...social workers with dog collars aren't they ?

Brian: Yeah, well...I walk a lot...people think I'm a bit bloody stupid but every morning I walk two or three miles...just wander round thinking. I go round the fields to see what's coming up and what's ready for cutting and it's clears my head. Trouble is, the bloody newcomers think I'm the village idiot, seeing me tramp by while they're eating their museli and getting the kids ready for school. Well I aint got any kids and never likely to...so I walk and I think. And I get called a thick fenny by the museli eating brigade for that.

Yaxley: (putting an arm round Brian) Well you come back in the pub with me Bri...'cos I'm a fry up man and I know exactly what you mean.