Ten minutes after leaving Gary Tweedy's stricken van at side of the River Snare, Yaxley Farcett, Brian Worthington and Sergeant Stumpsfield arrived at Ealham police station. They trooped from 
the car and quickly found the station showers. Stumpsfield produced a black bag full of old clothes from the lost property locker, which he threw into the changing rooms while he changed into a clean uniform, miraculously found in his locker.
the car and quickly found the station showers. Stumpsfield produced a black bag full of old clothes from the lost property locker, which he threw into the changing rooms while he changed into a clean uniform, miraculously found in his locker. Shortly afterwards, Farcett and Worthington emerged, looking cleaner but slightly less stylish. Yaxley was donning a Brutus shirt which must have been lost by John Conteh or Kevin Keegan as it had a huge collar and prints of red lipstick marks on it. He had squeezed into a pair of thirty inch waist corduroys which were a brownish colour and his feet sported a pair of cheap supermarket trainers with four uncool stripes. Not surprisingly, Brian's eyebrows remained unraised, as he already dressed like a seventies 'Playaway' presenter and the clothes he had chosen from the bag were almost identical to the ones he had taken off. 'I've chucked your mucky gear in the washing machine boys. They'll be ready to put back on in a hour or so' said Stumpsfield proudly, "..and the kettles on".
As they sat around in the station office drinking tea, the phone rang. Stumpsfield lumbered across 
the room and smartly snatched up the handset. "Yes....... Yes.......Yes......Yes.....Yes.....Yessir.....I think so.....I think so......Probably......No......No......I think so" he barked into the mouthpeice, appearing supremely confident and totally incompetent at the same time. He turned round and beamed at the other two men. Farcett diverted his attention away from sniffing the shirt that had been foisted upon him. It had that 'bottom of the cupboard' smell that wrinkles the nostrils. However, it was dry. "We will shortly be receiving an electronic communication via the station computer. We've never had one before, so you boys are in on a historic moment" announced Stumpsfield proudly. Yaxley groaned inwardly, he had had quite a bit of experience with PC's in his time in Bradford, and although no Bill Gates, he could work his way around a computer reasonably well. "Yes", he continued, "we now have a computer linkage network to Cambridge, installed only last week by 'FaztKomm' of Hadlode. I have nicknamed it WATSON'. Yaxley giggled and said '...and what does that stand for then ?' Stumpsfield looked puzzled and said "Err..nothing. Why ? Should it ?'
the room and smartly snatched up the handset. "Yes....... Yes.......Yes......Yes.....Yes.....Yessir.....I think so.....I think so......Probably......No......No......I think so" he barked into the mouthpeice, appearing supremely confident and totally incompetent at the same time. He turned round and beamed at the other two men. Farcett diverted his attention away from sniffing the shirt that had been foisted upon him. It had that 'bottom of the cupboard' smell that wrinkles the nostrils. However, it was dry. "We will shortly be receiving an electronic communication via the station computer. We've never had one before, so you boys are in on a historic moment" announced Stumpsfield proudly. Yaxley groaned inwardly, he had had quite a bit of experience with PC's in his time in Bradford, and although no Bill Gates, he could work his way around a computer reasonably well. "Yes", he continued, "we now have a computer linkage network to Cambridge, installed only last week by 'FaztKomm' of Hadlode. I have nicknamed it WATSON'. Yaxley giggled and said '...and what does that stand for then ?' Stumpsfield looked puzzled and said "Err..nothing. Why ? Should it ?' Stumpsfield proceeded to unplug the kettle and plug the computer into the vacant socket. "All set" he proclaimed. The three men sat down after he logged on in the manner of a soldier in the UXB Division diffusing a 4 megaton bomb. They stared at the screen and awaited the arrival of Ealham Police Station's first E-Mail. After a couple of minutes a tiny envelope popped through the letter box icon on the screen and the connection was made. Stumpsfield gingerly clicked on the mailbox and there it said:
FROM Dr. Burton Coggles MA (Criminologist)
TO: Ealham Const.
The officer moved his cursor with extreme care and clicked on the correct line, the tip of his tongue protruding slightly as he maintained maximum concentration. The screen filled up with a page of nothingness. In the corner was a solitary small box. "Ooh. Where's the letter ?" exclaimed Stumpsfield. Yaxley leaned across and peered at the screen. 'I think the eminent criminologist has sent you the wrong information. That's called an attachment and I don't think we'll get much joy on the Dixon case from 'Pammy & Tommy Lee Doc'.........
...........and anyone who understands that last bit should be ashamed of themselves.
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FootNote: According to "A possible future for Computer Technology" by Terence Benczik, "A recent survey has revealed that 80.5% of Oxford Dons seek out the likely pornographic potential on the Internet before making use of that facility for purposes connected with their own disciplines or research". I filched that from an Inspector Morse novel by the way, I can't say there are many Benczik's in my bookcase.
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