Sergeant Stumpsfield, Yaxley Farcett and Brian Worthington were crowded around the computer screen in Ealham Police Station's communication centre. It was, in fact, the general office, but since they had taken delivery of their new technology, the room had been renamed. Brian Worthington was demanding to be shown 'Pammy & Tommy Lee Doc', the attachment that had just been E-mailed to the office. Stumpsfield was still trying to work out why the expected lab results had not appeared on the screen. He picked up the mouse and followed the cable to the back of the PC and pushed the connector a bit- just in case. Yaxley, being slightly more aware of the trivia which flew back and forth over the net, tried to convince Brian that it was not worth looking at. "It's only their wedding video Brian" he explained, "Y'now, just the usual, people dancing badly in suits that don't fit them before the big climax when they kiss each other and the screen turns into a heart". That seemed to pacify Worthington and Yaxley quickly snatched the 
mouse from Stumpsfield and clicked on 'return'. He bashed out a message 
to the obviously confused boffin at the other end and hit 'send'. Stumpsfield was most put out at being usurped by a member of the inferior Drainage Dept. 'Oi' he moaned, 'That's my computer. Get your own. What are you up to Farcett ?' Yaxley turned slowly and said, with as much authority as you can muster while wearing a twenty year old Brutus shirt, "This is MY case Stumpsfield. They are MY lab results. I know how to use this thing and YOU don't. So, step back and let me do my job !"
mouse from Stumpsfield and clicked on 'return'. He bashed out a message to the obviously confused boffin at the other end and hit 'send'. Stumpsfield was most put out at being usurped by a member of the inferior Drainage Dept. 'Oi' he moaned, 'That's my computer. Get your own. What are you up to Farcett ?' Yaxley turned slowly and said, with as much authority as you can muster while wearing a twenty year old Brutus shirt, "This is MY case Stumpsfield. They are MY lab results. I know how to use this thing and YOU don't. So, step back and let me do my job !" Yaxley began to affect an American accent about halfway through the exchange and the last few words came out in a fine example of Clint Eastwoodese....Let me doo myy jaarrb !!!! It worked. Stumpsfield withdrew with his tea mug in hand 
and sat next to Worthington so that Farcett could take a chair and begin to communicate with the expert in Cambridge.
and sat next to Worthington so that Farcett could take a chair and begin to communicate with the expert in Cambridge. A minute after Farcett had sent his message to Dr. Coggles, the letter box at the foot of the screen once more indicated an incoming message. He clicked on this new missive and the monitor filled with the words of Dr. Burton Coggles: Chemist, Criminologist and all round egg head of Prince's College Cambridge. Yaxley settled in his chair, took a swig of tea from his mug and read the following:
FROM: Dr. Burton Coggles (MA) TO: Ealham Police Station 10:37 19/05/98
Preliminary results of tests carried out at 09:15 19/05/98
Items submitted for test:
(1) 25 ml (saliva) taken from saddleback pig (female).
(2) 50 ml (urine) taken from saddleback pig (male).
(3) Pitchfork (1) for fingerprint analysis.
Preliminary results of tests carried out at 09:15 19/05/98
Items submitted for test:
(1) 25 ml (saliva) taken from saddleback pig (female).
(2) 50 ml (urine) taken from saddleback pig (male).
(3) Pitchfork (1) for fingerprint analysis.
Item requested for test:
(4) Voice synthesiser for fingerprint and technical analysis.
(4) Voice synthesiser for fingerprint and technical analysis.
This is to be sent to Cambridge Lab ASAP.
Findings of tests:
(1) Saliva contained high dosage of Opium DiSulphate, a dangerous derivative of naturally occurring opium.
(2) As above.
(3) Agricultural Implement produced 3 clear and present thumb prints, 2 high clarity index finger prints and 4 mid digit prints of an acceptable standard for electronic capture. The images were processed by the HOLMES computer printmatch centre and found no current match.
(1) Saliva contained high dosage of Opium DiSulphate, a dangerous derivative of naturally occurring opium.
(2) As above.
(3) Agricultural Implement produced 3 clear and present thumb prints, 2 high clarity index finger prints and 4 mid digit prints of an acceptable standard for electronic capture. The images were processed by the HOLMES computer printmatch centre and found no current match.
Conclusions:
(1) An animal of Porcine descent such as the imbiber of this sub-Opiate 'cocktail' would have experienced a strong hallucinogenic reaction, heightened energy levels and an acute sense of paranoia. The increased heart rate would have forced the system to hyper-stimulate, thus causing the symptoms to disappear with rapidity, bringing the the animal to a semi-comatose state within thirty minutes of ingestion.
(2) As above.
(3) All fingerprints analysed were from right handed males. All fingerprints except two were consistent with that of agricultural workers of an age 20 yrs to 50 yrs. The two exceptions were 1 thumb print and 1 index finger print. After processing by the Laboratory Activity PrintMatch programme, these prints were found to have been produced by a professional person working in a predominantly sedentary position.
(1) An animal of Porcine descent such as the imbiber of this sub-Opiate 'cocktail' would have experienced a strong hallucinogenic reaction, heightened energy levels and an acute sense of paranoia. The increased heart rate would have forced the system to hyper-stimulate, thus causing the symptoms to disappear with rapidity, bringing the the animal to a semi-comatose state within thirty minutes of ingestion.
(2) As above.
(3) All fingerprints analysed were from right handed males. All fingerprints except two were consistent with that of agricultural workers of an age 20 yrs to 50 yrs. The two exceptions were 1 thumb print and 1 index finger print. After processing by the Laboratory Activity PrintMatch programme, these prints were found to have been produced by a professional person working in a predominantly sedentary position.
P.S Awfully sorry about the previous mailing. Don't quite know how that came to be on my PC. Students I suppose. It is Rag Week. Ha Ha.
Yours Dr. Burton Coggles (MA) Prince's College Cambridge
